


I’m not sorry that I love you.

by gayforthewilds



Series: Toni/Shelby/The Wilds free audio based [1]
Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Gen, Sad, Shelby accepts herself, Shelby pours her heart out, she writes to toni
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:34:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28981941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayforthewilds/pseuds/gayforthewilds
Summary: a year after the bunker, shelby lives with dot. she writes a letter to Toni, who she hasn’t heard from for months.based on a free audio I heard on YT
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Series: Toni/Shelby/The Wilds free audio based [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2125914
Comments: 14
Kudos: 73





	1. Chapter 1

It has been a year since the girls finally left the bunker. Most had returned to their home towns while Shelby and Dot moved in together after Shelby came out to her dad. Fatin lived in LA as she hoped and they all kept in touch as regularly as possible.

apart from Toni and Shelby.   
  


Shelby was never sure on what happened, why Toni stopped responding 3 months into their relationship off the island, after that heated argument one night, she was always sure they would get through everything together.

Shelby was just relieved when Martha told her Toni was not in danger, she was perfectly safe. Although it did sting. Toni was fine and was simply choosing not to talk to Shelby.   
  


With the pain, came a lot of tears. Dot tried to comfort her as much as possible. Shelby felt betrayed. She had given up pretty much everything to be with Toni. She lost her family.

But she couldn’t blame Toni too much. She knew it would happen eventually once she came out as a lesbian.  
  


Once the one year anniversary of leaving the bunker hit, Shelby was still in pieces over Toni. She missed her. The brown fiery eyes, the brown curly hair, the tan soft skin, how Toni held her, how Toni made her feel.

Shelby was desperate to get her feelings out, to get some form of closure, but Toni would never respond, nor answer her calls.

she decided to write a letter. She knew Toni still lived with Martha and Martha had kindly agreed to encourage Toni to read it.

it was her only shot.

_”Hi, Toni.”_

already the tears had begun to fall. 

_"I miss you. Martha tells me you're safe and well. I'm happy about that. I came out to my parents, a month after you stopped responding. It didn't go well. I live with Dot now. But its okay, I never knew I could ever feel this free. I just wish the price of it wasn't the loss of my family._

_I really love you. It's forward, but it's true. I'm sorry for our argument that night. Losing you wasn't worth it. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I've been struggling to deal with this, hence why I'm writing this letter to get my feelings out. Even if you don't feel the same, I need closure."_

Shelby felt the hot tears roll down her face and onto the page, slightly smudging the ink. She felt Dots hand on her shoulder as she gave it a reassuring squeeze before giving Shelby some privacy. 

Shelby began to write. All her feelings.

_"I'm not scared about what will come tomorrow, because you were my yesterday."_

And it was true. Toni taught Shelby how to love without fear, how to live without fear, and even if she never speaks to Toni again, she is so incredibly grateful for everything being with Toni taught her. 

So she decided to tell her that. 

_"That night, under the lychee tree, you taught me love, passion and I will never forget that. You have helped me grow, helped me flourish. Even if you never respond, everything seems a little less scary. You made me believe I can take on life and the challenges that fall in my path."_

Shelby didn't care if Toni thought it was cringe. It was true. Toni had a tendency of believing she caused nothing but hurt, but for Shelby, that couldn't be further from the truth.

_"If I have to pay for your presence with years of pain & emptiness then fine, I will pay that fee happily."_

Shelby felt lost without Toni like she was missing a part of herself, there was an emptiness in Shelby's heart where Toni belonged. But she would rather have that pain than to have never met Toni at all. The first time she and Toni kissed, despite running away afterwards, her heart became fuller. 

_"We took leaps and bounds and no one can measure our journey in miles."_

Shelby had arrived on the island being closeted, full of fear, feeling hopeless. She relied on her dad's constant control to keep her grounded, without him, she didn't know how to handle herself. She left the island in a relationship with Toni, feeling free, feeling liberated. Toni helped her take those leaps. She was by her side every step of the way. 

_"Circumstance is a bitch, she bites hard. Maybe that's why you stopped responding."_

After all, they were trapped on an island, covered with cameras they had no idea about, mentally tortured for months. Maybe the trauma was too heavy for Toni to speak to Shelby, and Shelby didn't blame her for that. But she longed for one last conversation with Toni.

_"She snatched you before I even saw the end coming."_

After their argument, Toni didn't respond the next day. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. Shelby still never fully knew why. She knew it wasn't because she was hiding her sexuality, Toni was more than understanding with that. Shelby turned and turned in bed for weeks, sobbing, trying to figure out why. Occasionally, the pain became so unbearable that she climbed into bed with Dot, sobbing, because she couldn't feel alone anymore. 

Dot didn't mind, but she became increasingly concerned. She was watching Shelby become more and more broken, feeling helpless. Shelby had explained Becca to Dot one night, how she feared she said something and the same situation was happening with Toni. Dot developed a protective nature towards Shelby, after seeing her so hurt, and took it upon herself to help Shelby find out if Toni was safe. Dot was relieved when she was, but she couldn't help feel a sense of anger towards Toni for what she was doing to Shelby. Dot and Toni spoke regularly, but whenever Dot brought up Shelby, she never received any reply, just a change of subject. 

Shelby took a moment to regain her composure, wiping the mascara stained tears running down her face, then she got back to writing. 

_"But I have these memories, and they keep replaying in my head. They come alive when a day without you is too hard to swallow."_

Their first kiss. The lychee tree. Making love to Toni. The comfort they had towards each other after the shark attack. The first day they saw each other after the bunker. The month they spent together before Shelby went back to Texas. 

_"They help me feel alive. They help me disconnect from the world and relive the happiest moments of my life. I miss you. Everyday. But I trust what we built. I trust that one day we will be together again."_

And Shelby truly did believe that the way she feels for Toni is too strong to throw away. She would wait forever if she had too.

" _These memories and trust are all I have, but, it's enough for me."_

_"You were mine once, I watched you blossom. How you tried to contain your anger, how you found better ways to cope, how you became softer around me, how you were open and vulnerable with me. I am so fucking proud of you, Shalifoe. I know I have to let you go, but please promise me you will continue to blossom, continue to grow. You have your whole life ahead of you and I know you can make something fucking incredible out of it. So do it. For me. You only have one life. Continue to protect Martha, continue to love freely, continue to play basketball and continue to refrain from throwing piss at people."_

Shelby added the last bit in to help herself feel lighter, in some attempt to stop her tears messing the page up even more. 

_"I'm sorry for any hurt I caused, the way I ran away after our first kiss, how I pushed you away as you had to sit quietly and watch me cut all my hair off._

_But I'm not sorry for loving you. I will never be. I'm not sorry for all our moments together. I'm not sorry for smiling at the fact that someone so beautiful, so passionate, so talented, was once mine."_

Shelby no longer felt the shame she once did. She never let her religion go. Instead, she went to a church was they freely accepted the LGBTQ+ community. They taught her to be proud of who she loves. She felt a tinge of jealously when she attended every Sunday and watched everyone bring their lovers, she wishes she could have had the chance to do that with Toni. 

_"I hope you'll be mine again someday. I hope one day we meet somewhere accidentally, and fall in love all over again. But for now, I hope you live life to the best of your ability. Make everyday count. Please. All I want is for you to be happy._

_I love you, with everything I fucking have. I love you more than I thought was humanly possible. I will wait for you Toni Shalifoe because no one will make me feel the way you did,_

_All my love,_

_Shelby Goodkind."_

Shelby closed her eyes and let the tears fall down while she carefully folded the letter into an envelope. 

She instantly went to get it sent off, she kissed the envelope and whispered, " _stay strong for me, Toni."_ Before posting the letter.

When she returned home, she tucked herself into bed and let the tears fall as all her memories with Toni flooded in her brain.

Shelby will never be sorry for loving someone as amazing as Toni Shalifoe.


	2. I live in shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dots POV on the situation.  
> Dot snaps at Toni.  
> The letter arrives.

Dot was shocked that night Shelby broke down in their kitchen, explaining how Toni hasn’t spoke to her in days, how she felt as if it was karma for the way she treated Becca.

All of the girls never expected anything to come between Toni and Shelby, they became especially confused when Shelby confided in them and revealed that it was over an argument through text.

Her heart ached for her roommate. She knew people viewed Shelby as having a perfect life, but, she also knew how far away from the truth that was. Toni gave her the courage and confidence that Shelby couldn’t find anywhere else. Shelby was madly in love with Toni.

Dot loves Toni, as much as she does the other girls. But she could not bring herself to understand why Toni had chosen to hurt Shelby this badly. 

What Toni didn’t know was when Shelby came out to her parents, she told them how she was willing to lose them for a life with Toni. How Shelby had actually been planning a surprise trip to see Toni, saving up money to take her everywhere and anywhere and cherish their time together. How Shelby had filled her bedroom full of photos of the pair together, how she kept a photo of Toni in her purse, how she always ordered Tonis favourite at every restaurant her and Dot went too, to feel like there was still a piece of Toni with her.

Dot was also extremely frustrated with how easy it seemed to be for Toni to just leave. To talk to every other one of the girls with ease, simply avoiding the topic of Shelby, as if she never existed.

Fatin, Leah, Rachel and Nora travelled down to stay for a week or two to help heartbroken Shelby, only for them to realise how bad and unfathomable the situation truly was. Shelby had begged Toni over and over for closure, for some small piece of explanation. She had begged Martha to try and talk to Toni and Martha tried, over and over, with no avail. Even Martha was getting frustrated at Toni.

So when Toni made a group chat with every girl included apart from Shelby, Dot snapped. 

It was a minor action, something that shouldn’t have caused any form of commotion, but Dot couldn’t understand the fact that Toni was making a group chat, excluding a girl who had also endured the same hell as the rest and more, talking about alcohol, hot girls, and their next meet up. 

All while Shelby was still struggling to leave her bed after endless tears.

Dot scoffed to herself at how ignorant Toni was to the situation, and decided to call.

“yooo dot dude what’s up?” Toni answered cheerfully.

“Cut the bullshit Toni. Why are you doing this to Shelby?” Dot replied sharply.

“I don’t know wh-“ Toni was cut off before she could finish her sentence

“Yes you do, Toni. You let the girl fall head over heels for you, come out to her parents to have a life with you, plan a surprise trip to see you, just for you to cut it off with no explanation at all. Sorry dude, but what the fuck? You are acting like everything is all sunshine and rainbows while Shelby still cant go a day without crying.”

“Dot, i didn’t know it was that bad. I’m upset too. I love her, so much but-“

“Why did you up and leave without no explanation then Shalifoe?”

“I was trying to protec-“

“No. You do not get to pull that card. You do not get to act like this was for the best interest of Shelby. She is completely torn apart, you have completely fucked up Toni.”

“I know she deserved an explanation, Dot, I just couldn’t. I love her Dot, more than anything. I never intended to hurt her.”

“Well, Shalifoe. I’m glad you love her. Because she has sent you a letter, and you will read it. You will put your full undivided attention into that fucking letter because that’s the least she deserves. then you will give her some form of explanation so she can have some sort of understanding about why the person she loved so much ditched her over some shitty argument. If you love her, you will do that.”

“Fine, Dot” Toni sighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo, I know this was probably annoying as we don’t see Tonis reaction to the letter just yet. However, chapter 3 is coming tonight so I promise there isn’t a long wait. I want to do flashbacks to the argument but I’ve been thinking long and hard on what the argument should be about. If anyone has any prompts, do let me know!  
> have a wonderful day.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, haven't decided whether to do more chapters of Toni receiving the letter, the backstory of the argument, the backstory of Shelby coming out etc.  
> I'll think it over. 
> 
> have a lovely day xxx
> 
> Inspired by CITYSCRAPECOWGIRL "I'm not sorry I loved you"


End file.
